Monday, September 26, 2011

There has to be SOMETHING I'm good at... Right?

     One of the things I have been getting down on myself about is that I'm pretty bad at doing pretty much anything. Seriously, anything you can think of doing, I don't know how to do it. Yes, maybe there are some things that I consider myself good at but they're not really beneficial to the world. Or at least people tell me that. Just in general, I'm bad at knowing how to respond to things people say to me, I don't know how to do things in job situations, etc. No matter how hard I try, I'm always doing something wrong. Anywhere I go people always remind me, "You are so shy!" Yeah, I know but when I try not to be shy people give me a look that says "why did you just say that? that was weird."
     Growing up in school I did pretty poorly. I was never tested for having any learning disabilities but I'm pretty sure I have them. My parents told me I just didn't try hard enough. Maybe that's true but I still think a lot of that had to do with me not understanding so I would just give up trying. So that's another thing that is wrong with me; I'm lazy. Let's see the list so far: I don't know how to talk, I have a hard time learning things, I procrastinate, and I am lazy. Oh yeah and just to throw it in there, I have terrible hand/eye coordination.
     So obviously I have some self-worth issues. Here's the list of things I think I can do: Sing, act, and I have an artistic mind. Since I can do those things I naturally want to pursue those options as careers (not singing though). A lot of times though people look down on those options and I feel constantly judged for wanting to go into the entertainment industry.
     Right now here's what you are thinking, "that's not true, Nathan. There are so many other things you know how to do." Wrong. And I truly, legitly, from the bottom of my heart believe that. You don't know me well enough.
     So if I feel like I don't know how to do things, what am I doing here in LA working with the homeless? Honestly I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am the one that needs to be helped instead of me trying but actually probably making things worse for the people I'm attempting to help.
     Right now and actually before I even came here, I am really leaning against going to college. It's just not for me. Sure, acting classes and other film classes would be helpful to me, but I still would have to pass the other general ed classes that have nothing to do with the career I am pursuing, which is totally unfair. I have always thought that.
     Wow that was kind of really personal. I don't know if I am going to regret saying all that. It's just, I DO want people to know why I am the way I am and have compassion and mercy for me. What that means, I don't know. The things I am thinking don't come out very well in words so maybe you read this whole thing wrong. Maybe I just sound like a crazy person. I guess that's sort of how I think of myself though.

1 comment:

  1. Well, another thing you are really good at is writing, honestly, and with integrity. You just did, here. That matters, you matter, and the calm, listening, patience you bring to the group and to your work just might be exactly what is needed. I pray that is revealed to you soon. - M