There is something about me that has been driving me insane for most of my life up until now. It has played a big part on who I am. And that is all the questioning I do about God. I have never been satisfied with the answers I've had about faith and how to live. I'm sorry but faith and trust alone in God just won't cut it for me. I need to know his motives!
In my past blog entry I talked about how people need to be careful about giving thanks and praying for things that others are not provided with. I got a lot of responses to that. Not angry responses, but from people that care about me (and want me to believe the same things they do). I will be honest and say I haven't changed my mind even after the long and many paragraphs of responses I got. (ask me if you want to know why I haven't changed my mind. it's not like I didn't carefully read your responses and look at it in a different way. I'm always to open to change my mind).
So I realize how depressed not being content with just trust has made me. No, I'm not gonna go trusting God now. I don't think I will ever be content with just trusting in someone that doesn't give full out proof that he is there. Come to think of it I have by definition sort of been an Agnostic for the past year or so. I never wanted to admit it to myself. I am still rooted in a family history of Christianity. It's still gonna be very much part of my culture. Plus I can't really avoid it being in an intentional Christian community. Donnie Darko says in the movie "I just don't debate it anymore." He was referring to belief in God so it's not entirely the same, I just don't want to debate these horrible unanswered questions I have because it's the root of my stressful life.
In the eyes of everybody else I'm probably an idiot. Maybe I am. "Why does this guy never understand even after I explain it to him?" Sometimes I feel like I have no soul. Proof to the Presbyterians that there IS such a thing as predestination. You're welcome. Lol.
So I don't know how this is going to affect my life. Is it really possible to avoid deep discussions on faith, especially when that's part of what my community does as a group? I have a feeling I'm not gonna change and I'm still going to pose these difficult questions that nobody else seems to think about and when they hear me say them they act like they know the answer and try to explain it to me. I really wish there were some way to avoid it though.