Friday, October 21, 2011

Why question?

     There is something about me that has been driving me insane for most of my life up until now. It has played a big part on who I am. And that is all the questioning I do about God. I have never been satisfied with the answers I've had about faith and how to live. I'm sorry but faith and trust alone in God just won't cut it for me. I need to know his motives!
In my past blog entry I talked about how people need to be careful about giving thanks and praying for things that others are not provided with. I got a lot of responses to that. Not angry responses, but from people that care about me (and want me to believe the same things they do). I will be honest and say I haven't changed my mind even after the long and many paragraphs of responses I got. (ask me if you want to know why I haven't changed my mind. it's not like I didn't carefully read your responses and look at it in a different way. I'm always to open to change my mind).
So I realize how depressed not being content with just trust has made me. No, I'm not gonna go trusting God now. I don't think I will ever be content with just trusting in someone that doesn't give full out proof that he is there. Come to think of it I have by definition sort of been an Agnostic for the past year or so. I never wanted to admit it to myself. I am still rooted in a family history of Christianity. It's still gonna be very much part of my culture. Plus I can't really avoid it being in an intentional Christian community. Donnie Darko says in the movie "I just don't debate it anymore." He was referring to belief in God so it's not entirely the same, I just don't want to debate these horrible unanswered questions I have because it's the root of my stressful life.
In the eyes of everybody else I'm probably an idiot. Maybe I am. "Why does this guy never understand even after I explain it to him?" Sometimes I feel like I have no soul. Proof to the Presbyterians that there IS such a thing as predestination. You're welcome. Lol.
So I don't know how this is going to affect my life. Is it really possible to avoid deep discussions on faith, especially when that's part of what my community does as a group? I have a feeling I'm not gonna change and I'm still going to pose these difficult questions that nobody else seems to think about and when they hear me say them they act like they know the answer and try to explain it to me. I really wish there were some way to avoid it though.

3 comments:

  1. I bet every question you have I have thought about and if not, then shame on me ;)

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  2. Well, I would say, as a sort of response, you don't have a soul. No one "has" a soul. Linguistically, our christian education failed us. Oftentimes, christians speak about how we will "go" to heaven after we die. The implication is that we are something other than our bodies, yet simultaneously, they speak of "having" souls as though they possess what they intrinsically are. This logical fallacy must stop. You are a human! Body and soul all wrapped up in to one.

    Second, lots of people have the same questions you have. If you ask it from them, of course they will explain what they think about it. What do you expect to get from people? Empathy? More questions? Perhaps, instead of asking questions (which is the same as seeking answers) and getting upset when people attempt to provide answers, go find your own answers. What I hear in this whole post is simple running away. The last line states how you want to avoid the difficult questions and the difficult, frustrating conversations that derive from those questions. Nevertheless, you exposed yourself in this post. You confronted lots of people by speaking your mind. It is in these confrontation where you learn what you truly believe. You cannot find an answer to a question by closing a book. You cannot learn to operate a camera by putting it back in the box. Similarly, you cannot actually know G-D until you question and explore G-D thoroughly. To do so means a lot of hard work, a lot of disappointment, and more revelation than you probably want. Do not be afraid!

    Finally, if people give you unsatisfactory answers, that is awesome! That means you know what you do not believe. This puts a step closer to what you do! Do not listen to conservative bull shit. Most of it has nothing to do with the G-D of the universe and much of it is inspired by vain, capitalist self-interest. This theology exposes itself over and over again to be dissatisfying and morally corrupt. I'm getting way to lengthy now, but those were my first thoughts. I like the double meaning of the title. It think that is clever.

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  3. All I can say is that you are not alone. Questions are welcome here. - M

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