There has to be SOMETHING I'm good at... Right?

     One of the things I have been getting down on myself about is that I'm pretty bad at doing pretty much anything. Seriously, anything you can think of doing, I don't know how to do it. Yes, maybe there are some things that I consider myself good at but they're not really beneficial to the world. Or at least people tell me that. Just in general, I'm bad at knowing how to respond to things people say to me, I don't know how to do things in job situations, etc. No matter how hard I try, I'm always doing something wrong. Anywhere I go people always remind me, "You are so shy!" Yeah, I know but when I try not to be shy people give me a look that says "why did you just say that? that was weird."

     Growing up in school I did pretty poorly. I was never tested for having any learning disabilities but I'm pretty sure I have them. My parents told me I just didn't try hard enough. Maybe that's true but I still think a lot of that had to do with me not understanding so I would just give up trying. So that's another thing that is wrong with me; I'm lazy. Let's see the list so far: I don't know how to talk, I have a hard time learning things, I procrastinate, and I am lazy. Oh yeah and just to throw it in there, I have terrible hand/eye coordination.

     So obviously I have some self-worth issues. Here's the list of things I think I can do: Sing, act, and I have an artistic mind. Since I can do those things I naturally want to pursue those options as careers (not singing though). A lot of times though people look down on those options and I feel constantly judged for wanting to go into the entertainment industry.

     Right now here's what you are thinking, "that's not true, Nathan. There are so many other things you know how to do." Wrong. And I truly, legitly, from the bottom of my heart believe that. You don't know me well enough.

     So if I feel like I don't know how to do things, what am I doing here in LA working with the homeless? Honestly I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am the one that needs to be helped instead of me trying but actually probably making things worse for the people I'm attempting to help.

     Right now and actually before I even came here, I am really leaning against going to college. It's just not for me. Sure, acting classes and other film classes would be helpful to me, but I still would have to pass the other general ed classes that have nothing to do with the career I am pursuing, which is totally unfair. I have always thought that.

     Wow that was kind of really personal. I don't know if I am going to regret saying all that. It's just, I DO want people to know why I am the way I am and have compassion and mercy for me. What that means, I don't know. The things I am thinking don't come out very well in words so maybe you read this whole thing wrong. Maybe I just sound like a crazy person. I guess that's sort of how I think of myself though.

One month in, eleven to go.

     Hello again! Sorry I haven't updated my blog in a while. A lot has happened since my last entry. Getting to know my roommates better, started my official job, met some famous people, etc.
     For the most part the seven of us are all getting along just fine. We're all very different and there has been some clashing but nothing we can't handle. We still love each other and will stick together through thick and thin. Somehow the song "Toxic" by Britney Spears has become our theme song. I think it started on one of the first days here when we were playing Just Dance on the Wii and that was one of the songs. Tyler and I always have it stuck in our heads and are singing it. It's so random!
     My job at GettLove/ Blessed Sacrament is not what I was expecting it to be at all. Before I came I was told I would be doing outreach for the homeless. Actually going out into the streets of Hollywood and talking to them and asking if they would like to receive help from us. Instead I've been working inside all day either working in the kitchen or at the front door taking names as people come in. Which has been fine but like I said it's not what I expected. Right now though I would kind of rather be doing outreach. I haven't really been getting to know our clients that well just by doing what I have been doing. The chances I have gotten to talk to some of them has been great. Meeting some really interesting people. Still pretty new at my job. Only been there two weeks so we'll see how it turns out.
     Like I have mentioned in my previous entries serving in Hollywood has some perks that you wouldn't get serving in the other cities. I have already met several people in the tv/film industry and I really enjoy that part of it. The first time I walked into Paramount Pictures Studios and walked onto the set of nbc's Community I was about to pee my pants I was so excited! haha! For those who don't want to go into that line of work it's not as interesting so I know you don't understand my excitement. However, it is kind of frustrating when people roll their eyes whenever I express that excitement. I don't care if people don't get as excited as me just let me be though. Don't try to tell me I shouldn't be excited. The reason I like it is because I want to be an actor. And I think one of the best ways to break into the industry is to have connections. Just look at Isaiah. He's made friends with some guy from growing pains and the guy is already helping him find an agent. Yeah I'm jealous. Also maybe I can get advice from these connections. So yeah, that's why.
    So that I think for the most part is all I have to say for now. Have a great day!

Why I'm here

So this is my first blog entry written here at my new home in Hollywood, California. I've been feeling a lot of mixed emotions. In one sense I feel very overwhelmed and I am kind of frightened. In another sense I'm very excited. Excited about what this new year may bring and how I will grow.

As for the being in Hollywood, the home of the entertainment industry. It's all very surreal. I mean Paramount Pictures Studios is right down the road. They film Glee, Community, Dr. Phil, etc. just a 30 second walk down our street! I see the Hollywood sign everyday. There's just a lot of perks like that serving in this city which I am very excited about. As a lot of you may know I hope to somehow break into the acting/directing business and what better place to do it than here.

About that though I am always very hesitant to explain that I want be an actor to people because then I fear people will think "Oh well that's the only reason you're doing this." It isn't though. I like helping people and if nothing else I think that is what we are called to do. I just really love acting too and would also love putting my own stories that I come up with to film. And yeah, honestly that's how I decided to go into missions. It all started with me wanting to move to Hollywood to try to be an actor. But everybody does that and don't know where to start once they get there. I hope to make a lot of connections while I'm here and learn from others with more experience how I can find acting jobs. More about me wanting to be an actor later.

Anyway so I've been trying to avoid telling people how I chose to come here to serve. Maybe it's true though. Maybe I wouldn't be doing service if I didn't want to be an actor. I know it sounds terrible but what if it's true? Sometimes it makes me wonder. But look at it this way, that is if you're into the whole God having a plan for everybody thing, maybe God put in this urge for me to want to be an actor because he wanted me to go into voluntary service. That could be another way to look at it. I just thought of that idea now actually. It's an intriguing concept.